What is wrong with me?

I think I am reaching a point of no return when it comes to my phobias. I mentioned to you all that I am entomophobic, I am very fearful of bugs and spiders.

I am not too sure why. I am not afraid of other pests. When I lived in Long Island, we had mice in our house every now and again, but I was never afraid of them. When we moved to Florida, I found out that there are anole lizards crawling all over the place, even then I wasn't scared of them. In fact, my aunt and cousin who live a town over had a lizard in their house, and literally left until someone could get rid of it. They still have a sign on their door asking for those entering to make sure no lizards can get in. Snakes give me a little bit of a chill, but I am not scared of them at all. When I was a kid, I saw a coral snake (those red, yellow, and black ones) in our back yard. I was so scared that it was dangerous, I didn't want to go in my backyard for a week. But snakes don't bother me now. In fact, I caught a baby snake one time and kept it for a day before releasing it.

I have mentioned this to GREGOLE and Melancholy over on DA, and they have been helping me out with conquering my fear. In fact, my characters Nousha (and to some extent Puleng) was created to help me conquer my fear. Plus I don't fear all bugs. I don't fear dragonflies and moths, I am only a little bit afraid of bees and cockroaches; and I love earwigs and lovebugs.

But anyway, I just wanted to write what happened to me last night, just because I felt bad. If you are fans of cockroaches, please, don't take this the wrong way, but I had to do what I had to do. I woke up this morning around 5:30 A.M., and I had to use the bathroom. Still drowsy, I walked to the bathroom, opened the door, and turned on the light. There was a roach just sniffing around on our bathmat, twitching its antennae and just doing nothing. I just stood at the door for about five minutes. Not that I was scared, I just didn't know what to do. I could have just walked away, but who's to say Roachy wouldn't have been there when my Mom woke up. So I had to do what I thought was right. I walked over slowly, I quickly threw the other side of the mat over him (making a sandwich), and began to stomp my feet. Anyway you want to put it, Roachy moved out and into the mat, avoiding my stomps. Finally, I couldn't see him moving anymore. I wanted to make sure he was ..., so with my toes, I began to unfurl the mat to find Roachy. I got the the last part to look, as I grabbed it to lift it, Roachy ran off. That did scare me. I went back out to find a shoe or something, and went back into the bathroom. Roachy was in the corner, trapped and trying desperately to not die. I don't want to go any further, but yes, Roachy is no more.

I feel so bad for Roachy. Even hours afterwords, I still feel like crap. The way he was the last seconds almost made me think of a frantic animal, or even a scene from a vore story. But either way, I feel bad.

The reason I say that this is a point of no return, is because once I have a feel for an animal, it's never going to go away. Anytime I kill a roach, I am going to forevermore feel empathy.

Please comment.